An Unusual Gratitude List of Unconditional Love

I’m thankful for these thoughts of anger, resentment, guilt, sadness, hurt, and fear.

I’m grateful for this body and all its knots, burning sensations, sore spots, and fatigue.

I appreciate the difficulties in life that make me want to lash out, hide, or run away.

It’s easy to love pleasant thoughts, a healthy body, and an easy life.

It’s much more difficult to love the mess, the clouds waiting to shroud the sun, the places that scare me.

May I accept them all to understand the true meaning of

Unconditional Love.

A Healing Path With Heart

I’ve been reading Jack Kornfield’s, A Path With Heart. In the first chapter, I was struck by how often he invites the reader to ask the question, “Am I living my path with heart?”

I think about my current job, and how often I fantasize about working in a combined setting of Western and Holistic medicine with more time per patient. I think about how I would like more time for writing and exploration of my spiritual journey, and how being on call cuts into my time, my space, my energy.

After I read Kornfield’s introduction to metta or lovingkindness practice, I thought I would try something new. Though I learned the metta practice 2 years ago, I felt like a child receiving her first beautiful Valentine’s Day card. Before I saw a patient in the office or answered my pager, I said a metta prayer for that particular person.

May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful and at ease.

I envisioned myself sitting in meditation, with my heart projecting a rainbow of colors onto each being. After one particular visit with a patient who had suffered multiple joint pains from a laborious physical job, I was surprised by how open and emotionally filled I was by his suffering. I also did not expect to be so kind to a patient who called early this morning about a worrisome condition.

I saw how I take each unpleasant and unexpected tardiness of a patient personally, how I blame a patient who demands more time than I may be able or willing to give. Metta has helped me to stay connected to my patients as well as myself.

It has also shown me that I must begin the practice with myself. If I neglect my own suffering, and do not take the time to understand it, I will be a closed door, forever locked to anyone who comes knocking for help.

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So many people have been ill. I don’t know if a patient will come for an appointment on time, what they will need, or if I will meet their suffering with an open heart and healing answer. I don’t know what my family, my daughter, or even I will need to feel whole and loved.

The wind blows in a new direction. I watch the leaves twirl down down down to the ground of uncertainty. And I am filled with a new hope.

I don’t know how the world will be, or even who I will be in the next moment. I do know that I can meet anything with an open heart as long as take refuge in this moment, and everything that is here to teach me about the groundlessness of being.

The Cure

I’ve searched for safety in clothing
and makeup, the arms of my lover,
in food, even in the kind words of a friend.
I’ve even looked for safety
in religious texts, the sounds of nature,
the eyes of my child,
but it was nowhere to be found.
Until I looked deeply into
my own heart and found
the most potent salve to dress
my wounds of fear.
Until I understood my own
intention for wholeness, and found
my own wellspring of love.

The Child

Some of us carry deep wounds from our childhood. As adults, these wounds often get triggered from daily circumstances and interactions with others. Painful emotions can resurface, causing us to repress them again and again because they are so painful and inconvenient.

This morning I was angry, and then fearful. I had another disturbing dream. I had been sleeping quite peacefully over the last few nights after engaging in many demon feeding and guided compassionate presence meditations. Why was last night so hard?

As I drove to work this morning, I listened to another guided meditation on Invoking Loving Presence in the Face of Difficulty by Tara Brach. A familiar choking sensation arose in my throat as waves of nausea tried to push through. The Child was weeping silently, slowly releasing a little bit of fear with each teardrop. My heart felt so raw and bruised with her suffering. My heart also felt more open to the Child and all she was trying to express.

The tears fell in torrents. The Child knew that she was safe, that she would always be able to share her fear and anger and guilt and sadness with me. I was her guardian, her mother of healing, her space to mix her emotions with my love and acceptance.

Over the last few years, and especially the last few months, I have learned to make the world – its people and places my allies. I know that I will continue to encounter difficult situations, especially when The Child is triggered. I will try to keep my heart open and remember the abundant supply of compassion my heart carries.

If I forget, I know someone will remind me.

Fall

There is something about a viral illness that makes me want to hold on to old schedules by over thinking and tensing all my muscles. I really convince myself that by holding on tightly, I can prevent the virus from entering my body and taking something vital away from me.

Over the past week, N has been sick, and one by one, we have caught the same bug. It has been so hard for me to give up familiar schedules of school and other fun activities with N. Yesterday, I was going mad inside the house, and despite the rain, took N out to the park for some fresh air, swinging, digging into the earth, and splashing in some puddles.

I decided to also feed my inner demon of anxiety. As I sat listening to Tsultrim Allione’s guided meditation, I imagined the demon taking the form of a human brain. When I asked what it wanted, it replied, “I want you to think and plan and keep doing.” When I asked what it really needed, it said, “I really want to know because I’m scared.” Finally, I asked how it would feel if it got what it wanted. The brain demon was looking down for a long time. When it finally looked up, I saw the distinct look of mixed terror and hope in its eyes. It whispered, “I would feel safe”.

I dissolved my body into the nectar of safety. I melted into a pine green creamy substance and fed the brain demon till it was satisfied. It changed into a green, then red, then orange, then brown leaf. She stood with such confidence, and urged for me to also change colors, let go of all branches of thought, and fall into the unknown.

Only then could I feel safe.

Life After Retreats: The Victim and the Warrior

If only it would stop raining when I get out of my car to run into the coffee shop. If she or he could take care of it, then I would have more time for solitude. If work wasn’t so busy, I’d be able to be able to spend more time with each patient and really be present and empathetic.

Do any of the above thoughts sound familiar? Do you feel that if you could just change the variables in your life, you would be content?

Sometimes I hold on to anger as if it is an inalienable right to vote against injustice. Then I purify myself by practicing gratitude, as if it is the best antidote against the victim disease. Perhaps the Middle Way is accepting both as my dear teachers, knowing that I could not appreciate everything in my life without the anger.

We have everything in our lives to wake up. Why then are we still sleeping?

I don’t want to be a victim anymore. Let the rain pour down in sheets to create a new story without any solid pages of who I am.

I am a phantom warrior outlined in rain droplets. I will not kill any of my mind states, but allow them to show me the freedom that is possible through paying attention to Mother Nature and the nature of all things.

The Journey

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Seven days mostly in silence, seven days of going deeper and connecting with myself, the earth, and each other.

For two days Tsultrim Allione joined us and gave us the transmission of Prajna Paramita Practice, as well as Feeding Our Demons. I experienced my hydra demon of abandonment, fear, and a family demon that must have traveled with each woman down my female lineage. I saw how my fear of future insecurity has kept me from allowing my mothers to feed me in the best way, the only way that they could given their own demons and life circumstances.

My goddesses were also there, and showed me that their own unique and true nature was also inside me. Mermaid gave me the fluidity of water and the changing nature of all things. Angel gave me the spaciousness of sky to hold all of my suffering. The Earth Mother, also known as Gaia, Kwan Yin, and Tara gave me the ground of being and how I can take refuge in compassion anytime, anywhere, anyplace, always.

Mandalas, circles of colors, shapes, and pictures to express our inner experiences and aspirations were created and placed around the statue of Prajna Paramita as we danced and sang Praises for the World around her, each other, and ourselves in the meditation hall moonlight.

We shared our guided meditation experiences with a partner in dyads. Looking deeply into each other’s eyes to the depth of being, we also mirrored our individual sacred suffering. We were seen and heard and known and held and loved and celebrated as female beings of ineffable wisdom. I saw that healing is not always about having a solution, but about being understood by another.

As women, we must nurture our innate intuition to preserve all life, especially our own. We are not better than or less than each other. We are not our stories of suffering, but something so much more profound than what we were taught to believe.

Let us rise and take refuge in each other.

Comfortable with Uncertainty

Little Girl,

Terrified, you ask me, “What will we do about the uncertain future?” I give you a big hug, look deeply into your frightened eyes, and tell you we are OK now. Here and now, we are just fine. We can release a balloon of worries into the sky, or pick up a seashell at the water’s edge, and release it into the sea.

We are getting comfortable with uncertainty.

****

I will be away at Sacred Feminine retreat. This is what arises for me right as I leave home.

Life is not neat. It's messy.

I see how I like to keep everything tidy and in its proper place, how I cringe when a light fixture dies or some part of the house breaks and needs repair.

I see how I sometimes retract when a patient shares a powerful emotion, how my own body tenses when I am experiencing a difficult emotion and I am judging myself.

What if my daughter mixes the colors of paint together or colors outside the lines?

What if I stand quietly in the midst of my patient’s emotional storm?

What if I bring my own suffering to the ocean, the sky? What if I can merge with the waves, the air, and believe that I am not limited to this skull, these thoughts?

Life is not neat. It’s messy.

It’s time to stop hiding.

Maybe I can open my heart a little bit more to the love that is waiting for me

Everywhere.

Evening Meditation

Tell me why the sun breaks

and bleeds her brilliant colors

across the horizon, hoping to touch

some place in us that

died and longs to live.

Tell me why the waves

sound their ancient, eternal

rhythm in the night, hoping to remind

us we carry their song

in each breath.

Tell me why the moon and stars

illuminate the night sky, burning

holes through the veil, hoping to help

us see past our delusions

to find truth.

Tell me why we cannot meet and

open our hearts to this moment.

Don’t let the night pass in vain

and awaken to another

unexamined day.

What can we do…

Luminous Emptiness by Tara Catalano

to stay in the present moment?

This topic has become so important to me, that I feel as if I could write a thesis paper and earn a PhD in it. Not that I am an expert or anything. Just a lover of the freedom that comes with being in the present moment.

Here are some things that help me.

1.) Ignore your thoughts. Seriously. They can really suck you into this black hole where the self is inflated and all you are surrounded by are multiple images of this wounded, fragmented being.

I love the Checklist List to Feeling Pathetic from the comic strip Rhymes with Orange:

· Choose someone and compare yourself unfavorably to them.
· Examine your face closely in the mirror. Note all flaws.
· Relive embarrassing/awful moments that occurred years ago.
· Make a mental note of all the people you regularly disappoint.
· Disregard all compliments, especially from people who (supposedly) love you.
· Resign yourself to believing that from now on, this is how you will always feel.


How often do you find yourself thinking of one or all of the above?


2.) Breathe. Sounds so simple, right? Not always. For me, it helps to also add space to the breath. If I have access to a window, I try to breathe into the open sky, or into the ocean when I am near one. It helps to release all the difficult emotions going on inside me, and to reconnect with what is really here.

3.) Agree to check your cell phone or email a few times daily. I’ve noticed that when I check my Blackberry right when I wake up, my thoughts are already like multiple gymnasts at the Olympics swinging here, flipping over there, and I am the audience trying to figure out which one to pay attention to. The same thing occurs if I check my Blackberry for new emails at night. My dreams can be unsettling.

I guess the same thing is true of multitasking. Eating lunch and working. Listening to someone while checking postal mail. We somehow feel that we can beat time by doing more at once, when all it does is perhaps make us dizzier and less present to all that is occurring.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what helps you to stay present. Please do share.

True Nature

I woke up from a frightening dream. I was asked by a Buddhist teacher who I respect to give a dharma talk (spiritual talk on truth). He took me to a particular painting and asked me to look deeply into it for inspiration. I was terrified. Who was I to give a talk? I was honored, but also let fear ravage my mind and heart with uncertainty.

As I was getting ready this morning, I suddenly realized I was projecting my own beauty and truth onto this teacher. In my life, I’ve often admired other human beings for certain qualities I felt they possessed. I wanted to be near them so I could be blessed with their traits, as if sheer proximity could fill an empty heart.

In looking past the fear, the guilt, and the impatience, I come to this place where radiance was/is always present. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of the light when I let my heart speak. I also sense that I cannot hold onto this light.

It is not mine to keep.

A Mother's Song

You call me Meme instead of Mummy or Mommy
because I see you, like a lama sees the moment
so perfect and pure without the need
to change anything. I hear your cries
to be known and understood. Sometimes
the anger rises like lava within me
the pressure building and begging for release.
I forget who you are and who I am, until
I breathe again, and see the child within me
needing to be held by compassion.
I sing for us, for all parents and children
who long to be a part of something
larger than themselves, as Tara infuses
the sky with light, the ocean with sound,
our hearts with space, to be as we are
and loved.